It’s been a while since a Momzilla chronicle has graced this space.
I sincerely hope the events that follow do not disappoint the legion that is the Fans of Momzilla (Make a little noise, peeps! You know you want to!).
As a certified smartass person, it befalls me sometimes to be the annoying person who goes, "Well, actually…" and proceeds to tell you the story of how the Caesarean section is probably not really named after Julius Caesar, whose mother actually bore him and lived a long life (sorry, Juanita— we all have our crosses to bear, right?), inasmuch as his name seems connected to the surgical procedure.
Yes. Smartassiness never won people friends –even as it won them arguments or, conversely, won them a richly-deserved meal of foot. In mouth, for the slow ones in the crowd. However, as much as I know smartasses by being one, I have very seldom encountered someone whose brand of I-know-better-than-you-ever-will is more toxically pervasive than a Momzilla I recently encountered. For reasons of public safety (my own) I cannot divulge some of the more salient aspects of our conversation(s!), but suffice it to say that when every single statement you utter toward a person –even those that weren’t even remotely directed at that person– is roundly challenged and revised, you might just be a Momzilla.
Confused? Allow me:
1. When one says hello, it is customary to reply with a "hello." It doesn’t even have to be friendly. Replying with some answer regarding how you’re out there, yes you, with the kids, because they need fresh air, it comes off as a little redundant. And creepy.
2. When one makes a harmless remark to children about how they are, indeed, getting wet while playing with squirt guns, replying on their behalf that, "Of course: THAT’s what they’re for" with a little sarcastic laugh seems a bit rude, doesn’t it?
3. And providing detailed instructions on the operation of a toy that a two-year old can figure out in 20 seconds flat TO ME is really a bit… um…. I’m going with "over the top."
4. I’m not even going to get into the comments of the sort of, "Is it spring yet in your neck of the woods?" replied with "Our spring is nicer and milder than this spring here." If you really find your interlocutor so irritating, monosyllables are the way to go.
So yes. I’ve stared in the unfriendly, fearsome maw of the Know-It-All Momzilla, and I gotta say:
1. It ain’t pretty,
2. OH HIGHER POWER, DON’T LET ME BECOME THAT PERSON!!! WAAAAAAH!!!