Do you know how hard it is when, early on Saturday morning, you’re confronted with A WHOLE RACK of magazines CLAMORING to tell me about JUSTIN’S REVENGE ROMANCE? OR WHETHER SURI CRUISE IS IN DANGER??? OR EVEN WORSE– WILL KEVIN KEEP THE CHILDREN OR SETTLE FOR $50 MILLION??????????
??????
???
?
It’s not fair that on uh… day two of my resolution, I should be thus tempted. But since I can’t quite do this cold turkey, I’m telling you what I think the answers are, as a way to cleanse myself of the schlock:
1. Justin Timberlake finally woke up one morning and realized that he, after all, was a boob man.
2. Suri Cruise will always be in trouble, as long as her parents are insane.
3. Kevin should keep the kids, seriously. Even the Scum That Took Over The World could possibly be a more fit parent than Lady Voldemort.
Anyhow, I’m sticking to my guns and to my one shred of dignity and revealing my weakness to those of you who read this. I WILL NOT BUY YOU, EVIL TABLOIODS!
Make your headlines appealing and irresistible. I will not budge. See if I care about Tim Gunn’s new series, Kenny Chesney’s secret haertache, or Britney’s new dog (which we’ll only see once, because you know she sucks their souls out or something. Where is Bit Bit, huh?).
Go ahead, punks: Make. My. Day.
A Daily Dose of Zen Sarcasm! 
Um… does this mean you didn’t hear about Angelina being prego?
K
I’ll go to the supermarket with you and watch your back if you want to just read the tabloids in the aisles. Seriously.