A Daily Dose of Zen Sarcasm!

From The “Who’s Surprised?” Files

And the cautionary tales just keep on coming:

Kimberly Stewart (it’s alright to say "who??") has liver disease.

For some reason the press isn’t calling it cirrhosis, although that is exactly what it sounds like she has (maybe she’s too young for that diagnosis?).  She has admitted that at TWENTY SEVEN YEARS OLD, her liver is as blackened and scorched as if she were a 75-year old raging alcoholic.

Well actually, she had her daddy make the announcement.
He quoted her as whining about how her partial Scottish heritage means she gets to drink like a fish.


Oh, Kim.

Dear girl: you know you did this to yourself running around behind everyone’s favorite whore-du-jour, right?

You do realize that you have effectively shaved maybe ten years from your young life by trying to get your picture on the papers and by being so drunk you gratuitously shared your vulva with the world, right?

You are aware that you are not so much an object of pity but of ridicule in spite of your sad tragedy because it’s not as if we live in a day and age where the effects of alcohol are relatively unknown and medicine still bleeds people to death no matter what their ailment, right?

You, Miss Stewart, are a very sad punchline to a very trite joke– the joke about how obviously hanging out with Paris Hilton is bad for your health.

I’m so very sorry about your liver and I am glad to hear that you have not touched a drop since your diagnosis.  Livers are surprisingly resilient, so hopefully you’ll be able to have a pretty full recovery and a long and happy life and you’ll also be able to avoid going the Larry Hagman route.  I don’t want to rain on your parade, but it’s hard to stay off the sauce.  Just ask Robert Downey Jr.– sober is hard.  Well, you should know: doesn’t your brother also have boozing problems?

Look,  it is not my job to make you feel worse than you are probably already feeling (are you?), but you gotta admit that there is some sort of sermonizing just BEGGING to come out and be headed your way by whomever reads your story.  The only thing that nags at me is this: today it’s you and while it makes the news, few people really will care.  And among those who do not exactly "care", as such,  are the many copycats who actually think you’re worthy to be emulated, pre-cirrhosis, that is.   The very young still have this feeling of invincibility — a feeling that gets eked away as you get older and see people around you die and be born and is not exactly glamorous, I assure you.  That invincibility makes people do and wish to do stupid things, but it should fade as you age and as time passes and your mortality stares at you in the face; sometimes brutally, by showing you that your Celtic liver cannot stand up to being treated like shit.

Well…. it should fade as you grow up, that is.  Aging and growing up are not one and the same, though sometimes they come together, like twins.

You need to grow up.  I hope your liver helps you out.

This entry was published on November 17, 2006 at 8:51 pm and is filed under Pop Culture. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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