Alright desk jockeys: this is Pretend Monday at work. I know, I know: why do you get to go to work when there are people who’ve mysteriously taken ill and whose apparent cure to what ails them is to get a headstart on their holiday travel, leaving you to eat leftover candy corn and replay scenarios of just how you’ll cope with your own Thanksgiving day? Well, life is not fair, but you’re at work. That matters, you know. And it’s okay.
Fear not, jobbed masses: I repeat– it’s okay. It’s okay to feel restless and not want to do much work. It’s okay to rehearse conversations with your mother. It’s okay to rehearse how you’ll turn down the third piece of ollalieberry pie. It’s okay to actually plot your eating strategy so you can have a maximum amount of feast interspersed with walks every 2.5 hours so that you can get your metabolism up and ready for another bout with stuffing. It’s okay to buy the canned stuff and grate some orange zest and Grand Marnier over it and call it your super secret recipe.
It’s all okay. It’s even okay to feel energized and ready to work a lot. That’s what weird short weeks do to people. And, for those of you not celebrating Thanksgiving day, it’s okay to make fun of Americans for several reasons: 1) because you ALREADY got your turkey on; 2) because turkey is not the most savory of meats and no amount of baking, basting or marinating is going to change that fact; and 3) because it should be one of those common things that one should accept that EVERY DAY should be a day fit for giving thanks.
It’s okay. It’s just fine. When you get out of work, you’ll be that much closer to your holiday –should you celebrate it. And you’ll be energized by the chill, perhaps. And maybe you’ll stop by the market and get yourself some eggnog and some grated nutmeg — and a small bottle of rum, perhaps– and have your own pre-holiday holiday. Because that is the spirit, and something has to be done about the fact that today the sun will leave us before 5 pm in our latitude.
Aside: over the weekend, Kimberly Stewart let the world know that she DOES NOT have liver disease and that she’s fine. But you know, that she did have an inflamed liver. And that the doctors told her to lay off the secret sauce. But, you know…. she’s fine now? And her dad has a big mouth? But she’s, like, fine.
When I Google “Liver inflammation” I get some scary stuff, people. But foremost on the list I realize that the first hit is not “cirrhosis” as I thought I would… but HEPATITIS.
Explanation: Cirrhosis is chronic hepatitis– so you live with the disease and it doesn’t go away. It can get better– because you take care of yourself– but it can also get worse and kill you. The viral hepatitis (like Hepatitis B or C, the STDs) tend to be of the acute variety and do go away; but some turn out to be chronic, since you can’t get rid of them through treatment.
Hmm…. what do I want to say at this point?
Oh yeah. Hey Kim? STOP DRINKING, YOU DUMB BIMBO!
For your earworm pleasure (thank you to Myra, who got it stuck in my head in the first place):
If you’re rock-and-roll
HEAVY METAL AAAAANGEEEEELLLL!!!”