Alrighty…. well, I thought I’d start this entry off with a very funny quiz that I suggest everyone take… even the guys. Why not? I’ve known some pretty prissy guys who would cringe at passing gas in front of anybody…. so here it is:

Quiz: How ladylike are you?

My Score: 17 / 24
Rating: Groovy Chick
Verdict:
Its good to see a girl who has good manners, but knows herself well enough to be able to have a laugh occasionally. You are the sort of girl who can get on very well with others without letting anyone trample all over you. You are very lady-like but you know when to twist the rules slightly when the occasion calls, whether its to defend yourself or to just have a good laugh. I’d doubt someone like you would be mentally repressed or have any issues. Take it from a guy… in my personal opinion you appear to be a somewhat ‘perfect’ chick with a good sense of humour! I bet you are a good laugh to talk to (especially if you are a Gemini), and I’m sure we could be great friends! Please feel free to contact me and show me how wonderful you really are by challenging me to a flirty battle of wit and humour! 😉 …unless you are just a school kid or a big, fat, hairy prisoner called George! *cringe/shiver*)

Hehe. Anyway…. according to the Annals of Past Pregnant Women, I should be expecting (*wink*wink*nudge*nudge*) all sorts of unladylike things coming out of me pretty soon…. and of course, I should also expect some sort of fleshling coming out in eight months and a week more or less. Male or female matters not, as long as we have 10 fingers, 10 toes, 46 chromosomes and an APGAR score above 8 five minutes after birth! I have decided to nickname the thing the “Sagittarian Symbiont” since its birthday is most likely to fall in the last days of November or early December; though if it’s born early, it shall be confirmed as the “Scorpian Symbiont”. I guess I should show a bit more restraint in talking about this since it’s soooo early (and things could happen, as they always can), but I find it pretty exciting to just…. ah…. well….. yes! Yesyesyesyesyes and yikes! The Symbiont is aggressively taking over my uterus, one mitotic stage at a time: I can actually feel my hips creaking and groaning in their expansion phase. It does feel a bit like my body is more of a construction site, although nothing is quite showing –nor will it be showing for a while, anyway.

It feels bizarre yet fun to think about this. Billions before have done it, and billions more will, but every mother-to-be tends to feel soooo unique and special. And the sites, publications and pamphlets all sound so optimistically maudlin, gushing about the miracle of life developing inside you. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m not grateful –which I am– or not surprised –which I am as well, considering that it pretty much happened … uh…. shall we say…. on attempt 3 or 4? Yes. Lightning quick, really, so I’m still a bit in shock. I am also looking forward to compliments and gushing… and later to having to deal with strangers trying to touch my belly. I shall buy a Taser gun (gotta help them out) or cattle prod for those cases, I think. I also look forward to insulting random people for not showing me respect, as in “What the hell is the matter with you jerk?! Can’t you see I’m pregnant here?” (I’ll adopt a Jersey accent for that). This phrase shall be used whenever someone does something I don’t like. Or if there is not enough time to talk, I shall just shove or cattle-prod. Or if I’m too tired to do either, I can just look pleadingly and point at my stomach, as if it weren’t obvious I had one (by then, anyway). And I can blame it all on the hormones!

No wonder women go gaga over being pregnant, really. The whole concept of extra deference to the pregnant lady, and the culture of eating-for-two, and the reverence for something that every single living thing does is quite appalling and dizzying… but I shall take advantage of the perks while they last (I’ve heard the worst part of being pregnant is not being pregnant anymore). Oh, I shall reap the benefits of a pregnant-centric culture, and with a vengeance! *Evil Glee*

But right now, I have to go pee. Again.

01 Apr This entry was published on April 1, 2005 at 12:56 pm and is filed under The X-pectant Files. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.