In this blog, I try to bring you all manner of delectable morsels to help you deal with the crushing pain of day-to-day life. So you can imagine my utter excitement when, while reading Dlisted (one of *my* favorite ways to cope with the crushing pain of day-to-day life) I ran across this item,
In a world where there is daily death and destruction and horror and Republican candidates who do not "believe" in Evolution (thank you Valiens… I’ve been muttering that under my breath for about a half-hour now), and staunch defenders of Jerry Falwell, may he rest in "peace" –that upstanding Christian man who thought of fellow human beings who did not fit into his worldview as "aberrations" … in a world such as that, there are still those moments of genuine wonder combined with pluck that make you go, "OMG what the f…???"
Behold Jodie Marsh:
Isn’t she absolutely breathtaking? Gaze lovingly at her orange skin. If you need more proof of her orangeness, click here to go to Hollywood Tuna’s Jodie Marsh archive. Behold her cheek in attempting to cover up her elephantine bosom with nothing but a leather strap, tastefully accessorized with rivets or rivet-like things –because nothing lends class to an outfit as much as rivets, right? Look at the overstretched skin of her breasts, where her ill-fitting implants sit invitingly and beg to be ogled over and over again and eliciting such responses as, "Dear Lord! Breasts do THAT?!"
Oh, by the way? She’s 28.
Say it with me now: TWENTY-EIGHT?!?
I’ve seen corpses look more youthfully 28 than this girl. Not that a life spent being tabloid fodder in the UK (and blogger fodder here in the US too), and being a stripper and an erstwhile arm candy to tons of F-listers contribute to looking your best. Lindsay Lohan, take note!! ‘Cause the guy you’re currently dating —Calum Best or whatever, if you’re even still dating him– is kind of like her discards. Eww… Jodie Marsh’s sloppy seconds sounds bad, especially since this guy who she was engaged to apparently dumped her because she has…. hygiene problems. *insert pukey face*
But you guys… Jodie is just a regular girl, and she wants to get married. And this is where your existential angst is going to lift and melt away like Pacific fog: she is going to do it "The Bachelor" or "Flavor of Love" style! About time the Brits copied some good American programming for a change, huh? OMG PEOPLE CLICK HERE!!!!!!!
And doing a wee bit more poking around, behold her MySpace page! On a related but not thoroughly connected thought, I wonder if the forefathers of our fine nation would have had their own MySpace pages. I’m thinking that sexy beast, Ben Franklin, would have totally had a pimped out profile– and he would have probably not needed those silly MySpace page editors, and it would have had Flash because he would have invented it back in the 18th century. Yeah.
Actually, I wonder if any current politicos have MySpace profiles, because it seems that everyone and their brother has one and it’s pretty funny. (Yes, I have one too. Shush.)
So yes. Jodie Marsh, ladies and gents. It’s all so beautiful– believing in romance and fate and allowing MTV to be the
pimp matchmaker after a nationwide casting cattle call! I need a good lace hanky to dab my tears, because it’s too much to take.
WHY IS MELINDA NOT IN THE AMERICAN IDOL FINALE, PEOPLE?????????????
This is almost as outrageous as when Chris Daughtry got voted off before Elliot Yamin and Katharine McPhee, only that last season everyone was really good. I thought McPhee was annoying, fake, (McPhake?) and affected, for instance, but you cannot deny that she sang well– however, she shouldn’t have been in the finale with Taylor: it should have been Chris.
Okay. Digresson over. Please check out the links and brighten your day with the beauty of Ms. Marsh and remember the immortal words of Dolly Parton: "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap."