Gloating and Glamming Up

I am doing the gloating dance, people, and you cannot stop me.

I am Madame Meowstradamus, predictrix of awesomeness, and I cannot stop myself from screaming "I CALLED IT!!! I CALLED IT!!!" over and over.

Sanjaya Malakar has been voted off the island and all is well.  Simon Cowell smiled his smug smile and Ryan Seacrest raised his goofy eyebrows. 

Of course he would go.    Please: believing that Sanjaya would ever win American Idol is like believing that America as a whole is really THAT dumb.  Come on, people: America can sometimes be dumb, but not dumb enough to realize that Melinda pretty much has it in the bag. 

________

I had fun doing last week’s Carnival of the Crazy Hip Blog Mamas, so I’m going to give it a go this week as well, wherein they ask about a favorite beauty secret or product.

Sick, sudden realization #1:
I am not so sure I have a beauty secret.

Sick, sudden realization #2:
Oh God.  I don’t think I have a favorite product.  I am a Sephora whore.

Sick, sudden realization #3:
This is going to be a weird entry.

________

For as long as I can remember, my grandmother was the self-appointed maven of beauty secrets.  I remember having to endure many of her beauty treatments without a right to protest: I have had aloe pulp, mayonnaise,  avocado, beer, and eggs sitting on my hair for hourly increments more times than I believe anyone’s ever stopped to imagine that this kind of torture is reasonable to inflict on a 12-year old, for instance.

I have a vivid recollection of sitting in the rooftop of our flat in Bogotá wearing nothing but a hairdresser’s sheath and a plastic shower cap because I was dripping one of those horrible concoctions all over the floor and she wouldn’t have it.  The rooftop is windy and while the day is sunny, I am shivering and standing there in a huff.  I am hungry and in a foul mood and my head feels absolutely gross and smells like a dairy case, but the treatment hasn’t sat on my scalp long enough.

The promise is that of a less frizzy, shinier, and possibly pin-straight mane (woe to me, born with wavy, frizzy, coarse, unmanageable hair). 

The result is an eggy-smelling head: a frizzy, wavy, unmanageable, coarse head of hair that smells like egg salad.  Did I mention that, according to my grandma, egg is actually "shampoo" and should not be followed up with actual soap?  Lucky me.

Something must have gone right, however, because by age 17 my hair is long enough to sit on.  Guess who deems it a victory?

I wish I could say that my grandmother’s beauty regimens circumscribed themselves only to my capillary woes: they did not.  Eggy  and papaya-rind face masks to get rid of blackheads; homemade eggshell scrubs to exfoliate;  cucumber slices for puffiness; rosemary baths to purify; pineapple rinses TO CURL YOUR HAIR (????); linseed leave-in treatments to prevent frizz (ha!); shady-smelling oils (possibly cooking oils) for shapelier derrières (??); barley water to purify your intestines  and prevent blemishes; and all manner of other natural things, some of which actually do work, and some others which clearly never did.

The punchline to this whole thing is that we’re currently surrounded by a million-dollar beauty industry that has taken all those raw and torturous ingredients and made a mint bringing them to the "average" consumer.  In other words, if my grandmother had been a little more industrious and spent less time chasing me around to smear all that crap on me, she could have been raking in the big bucks selling it to a major corporation, or at least to a group of people who would appreciate her artifice a little better –or just have a little more faith in it.

I will tell you, though, in what I do put some faith:

* Plain ol’ white toothpaste on a big zit– disinfects and reduces swelling.  I hear a crushed Aspirin works well too, due to the salycilic acid.
* Drinking plenty of water– self-evident.
* Eating enough protein for shiny hair and nails, because you need protein to make protein (don’t bother drinking the gelatin water– it’s pretty gross).
* Cleaning your face every night, or at least attempting to do so– I’ve found the hard way that a dirty, oily face at night is what creates pimples.
* Brushing and flossing– boring but essential.
* Pasley and angelica root teas for hormone control– go to your crunchy supermarket and get some.
* Green tea for slimming down (combined with diet and exercise)–if anything, it makes you pee.
* Credit card and Sephora for fun beauty stuff that may or may not work– never underestimate the power of consumerism.

And my Golden Rules:
* When in doubt, moisturize.
* When bored, depressed, confused or otherwise, add lipgloss.

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This entry was published on April 19, 2007 at 11:34 am and is filed under Domestic Bliss, Pop Culture. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

9 thoughts on “Gloating and Glamming Up

  1. “Credit card and Sephora for fun beauty stuff that may or may not work– never underestimate the power of consumerism.”
    And it is less expensive than a therapist! 😉

  2. Hey, I do the toothpaste thing, too! 🙂

  3. Sorry, I don’t do lip gloss. I can attest to the magic that is retail therapy, however.
    * strokes iPod findly *

  4. Credit card for Sephora! Great tip! LOL

  5. Is it wrong that I have only recently heard of Sephora? (looks around, paranoid)
    Found you over on CHBM and thought I’d stop by!

  6. Great tips! I remember the beer thing…..it did nothing for my hair, and I was SO disappointed!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog! I responded to your comment there thanking you for your tip of sugar as a foot/palm scrub… I never knew that!

  7. I am so with you on the lip gloss.
    My dirty little secret is that my favorite lip gloss of all time (out of the collection of one in each purse) is actually Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper.
    Oh, the shame!
    But it’s true. It feeds my soul and looks good. It also never grabs strands of hair for entertainment, nor does it come off on stuff, nor does it need a little finger rub. Although I don’t mind using my finger with gloss. Prefer it immensely to the little spongy wands, in fact. Anyway, all this for a paltry $1.42.
    I think I’ve just outed myself. Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?

  8. Ooh! Hi fellow Sephora whore! *waving*
    Lip gloss solves most of what ails you. Couldn’t agree more!

  9. Like the beauty tips! I didn’t know about the toothpaste thing but it makes sense. I’m with you on Sephora. And a tip of my own that I’ve recently starting believing in: herbal supplement biotin works wonders on strengthening my nails and hair. I don’t know if you have any problems in those areas though.

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