Dear Quizno’s Subs Creative Talent,
I was tempted to write a letter saying, “YOU SUCK.”
Unfortunately for you guys, I’m a little more verbose than that.
First and foremost, whatever happened to the campaign that made you famous? Why did you ever quit using the SPONGMONKEYS that made people stiffen and gladden, possibly both, at once?
They were creepy yet amusing. The song was very catchy and reminded you that whenever the urge to buy a sandwich should strike, one should,
1) Buy a Quizno’s sub
2) Because it’s toasted (tasty, crunchy, warm)
3) And they have a pepper bar (<— apparently, a selling point)
But then you chucked that campaign out the window. The Quizno’s-ness is gone. Subway’s Jared is not a disturbing enough sight (even when he holds up his old pants) and Subway toasts their subs too now.
I’m not so sure about the pepper bar, though.
The reason I’m writing, however, is a trifle less banal than this, and is more purist in nature. Simply stated, goes like this:
PRIME RIB IS NOT THE KING OF MEATS, YOU LYING S.O.Bs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know where you people have been hanging out (is that a Bingo card I see sticking out of your pocket?), but Prime Rib isn’t really even a true cut of meat. A standing rib roast is, and while I will never ever scoff at meat coming from that particular area (mmmmm…. ribs…… mmmmmmmm), it’s certainly not the easiest meat to access, and it’s relatively cheap. Not exactly kingly, I tell you.
And there is a reason it needs to be cooked for hours on end: the meat is nasty and tough and rather impenetrable if you neglect to do this important step, you know. It’s not to say it’s not tasty, but it’s NOT KINGLY.
I know you’re just trying to make the average joe feel good about their choice of meat and about YOUR sandwiches; but while lying might get you some new customers, it’s certainly not going to get you my business. Not that it seems to be affecting you, but I thought you should know.
Then again, if you made sandwiches from the TRUE king of meats– the filet mignon– they’d probably be $20 a pop and you’d have more than a few gourmands shedding bitter tears over seeing such a beautiful cut of meat gone to waste with your generic bread and icky iceberg lettuce.
Oh, and the peppers from the pepper bar. Cannot forget those.
Just bring back the spongmonkeys and lay off the miseducation of meat cuts. That way you won’t be liable to receive snippy and rambling letters from people like me.