Oh alright. Since I get nice folks stopping by every day looking for these morsels of silly wisdom, I figured I would collect as many as I could find and post them here for the levity and rejoicing of us all.
So for your reading and chuckling pleasure, Zen Sarcasm:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone!
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
14. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
15. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
24. Shoveling coal for seven days makes one weak.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt. Then things get worse.
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
28. Life is sexually transmitted.
29. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
30. For women … men have two emotional states: hungry and horny – if you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
31. Some people are like a Slinky: not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
I am pretty sure this is the most comprehensive list you’ll find anywhere. However, if you run into items you don’t find here, please let me know ^_^