A Daily Dose of Zen Sarcasm!

Warning: Extreme Gushing Ahead

…and the worst part? It’s gushing over other people’s babies!

I never have been an others’-babies-gusher.

I thought others’-babies-gushers (or OBGs) were dorky, extremely maudlin, a bit soft in the brain area, and most of all damned liars.

I still believe that some of the people who like to grab and coo over other people’s babies are, indeed, callous and horrid liars, as we all know in our heart of hearts that not all babies are adorable. Some babies are, in fact, rather terrifying. The way they sort of sit or toddle uncomfortably and look more like Phil Collins or like an alien is not cute but really very horrifying. And these babies take an expert OBG/liar. Someone who, looking at their turtley faces or their Olsen-twin troll eyes, can see something truly coo-worthy.

Is this mean? Yes, yes it is. Is it the unfortunate and rather unpalatable truth? You know it is.

Earlier today, I saw a rather homely child at the supermarket and I had several thoughts racing through my head as I stared mercilessly at her pasty, freckled face:

a) Lord, why am I so mean? Buddha? Allah? Zoroaster? Ganesh? Anyone? A clue, por favor?
b) Jesus, that child is UGLY!
c) ………*stare*…………..
d) The angle of her mandible does not quite highlight but rather emphasizes the beaky and pointy nature of her nose. I dearly hope she grows into that nose. The freckles and pallor don’t help, either.
e) I wonder if her mom pays less attention to her because she’s ugly?

The last thought was prompted by an actual study published about a month or so ago by Canadians. CANADIANS, possibly the nicest and most politically-correct of all people were studying all sorts of children, but what was their focus, you ask?. That’s right: their focus was on ugly children. If you think I’ve officially hit the apex of evil and cruelty, please read it from my good friends over at BBC news. Would the charming Brits lie to you? Um. Would the charming Brits lie to you about an ugly child study?

I know. You’re thinking I’m off my rocker or extremely cruel. You’re probably right, and thanks for asking: I did not sustain any injuries and the baby is fine. I cannot say the same for the rocker.

Seriously now, and the point of this post: OBGs will gush over all babies. Even the certified-by-Canadians ugly children who inspire nightmares in most sensate adults (and by sensate, I mean mostly possessed of a sense of sight that works. It’s okay if you can’t smell). I don’t gush over all babies. I don’t gush over most babies. I usually keep a vigilant eye to make sure that their drool doesn’t get on me and that they don’t smell like poop.

So I am firmly convinced my hormones have taken over my and the Monsieur’s body when I say that lately, I have been totally gushing over babies! Of course, keeping with my tradition of former baby-holder-in-contempt-of I can say that not all babies deserve my gushing. For instance, a certain little Monchan I happen to know is perhaps among the more adorable of babies ever. And I have been known to gush over my nephews and niece. And really, that’s about it. I keep my gushing reserved. Though lately, it has been on the steady and alarming increase.

But the latest and biggest culprit in my baby-gushing extravaganza is this baby:

The most adorable baby ever, from She’s Crafty

I looked at this baby and immediately the whole “mama-machine” inside me got into high gear. I cooed. I drooled. I shrieked in that annoying high-pitch squeal that women let out around particularly cute babies or particularly cute shoes. I cooed some more. I secretly wished my baby looked like that. And then I passed it to my darling Monsieur.

Who cooed. And oohed. And aaahed. And proceeded to remind me that there is a possibility that we may have a blue eyed child yet. And then I sent the link to my darling Mamma.

Who cooed. And shrieked. And cooed some more. And proceeded to tell me that she remembered my godmother’s momma used to knit such adorable hats.

And then I started thinking about how I can possibly make that adorable hat myself. Either that or I’m buying an $24 pixie hat from She’s Crafty.

I must be stopped.

This entry was published on June 13, 2005 at 10:12 pm and is filed under The X-pectant Files. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: