When I’m particularly irked by stuff, a hearty “Rrrr” is great medicine. I have the theory that perhaps it’s a little like human purring: that low-frequency vibration is just what you need to calm yourself down.
Why am I all Rrr-ed out?
1. I hate you, my beloved VH1, for playing an “America’s Next Top Model” marathon. I know Adrienne will win, but I am still compelled to watch. I cannot help it, dammit! I cannot! I’ve struggled with it, and it’s near impossible. I may be able to quit caffeine and alcohol cold turkey, but I simply cannot say no to VH1’s deliciously vapid line-up. I am so ashamed, but I’ll be damned if I turn the television off. You’ll have to pry the remote control out of my cold fingers. I’m amazed I managed to tear myself away long enough to shower and grocery shop, honestly.
2. I hate bloggers who can’t write. That’s right. I’m a priggish, elitist, stuck-up bitch and I HATE YOU IF YOU’RE TOTALLY BORING AND DUMB-SOUNDING AND CANNOT SPELL OR USE AN APOSTROPHE CORRECTLY! YOU HEARD ME! I HATE YOU FOR THINKING YOU’RE WITTY WHILE PLURALIZING SEVERAL PHOTOGRAPHS AS “PHOTO’S”. I OUGHT TO HURT YOU FOR SPELLING “BREATH” WHEN YOU MEAN “BREATHE” AS IN “BREATHE IN AND OUT BEFORE I KILL YOU!” I HATE YOU FOR WRITING “AFFECT” WHEN YOU MEAN “EFFECT”… AS IN “YOUR AWFUL WRITING AFFECTS ME DEEPLY, AND HAS ME WORRIED ABOUT ITS EFFECT ON MY GENERAL HEALTH!” YOU NEED TO BURN IN THE FIERY PITS OF HELL FOR NOT USING PERIODS, PERIOD! I SPIT AT YOU FOR USING HOMOPHONES LIKE “THEIR” FOR “THERE” AS IN “OVER THERE” AND FOR SAYING STUPID-ASS SHIT LIKE “OVERDUE” WHEN YOU MEAN “OVERDO” ….AMONG OTHERS. AND YES I AM SCREAMING! I CAN’T TAKE IT! I HAAAATE YOOOOOOU. *flops on floor, drooling*
Okay. Maybe hate is too strong a word. But I really resent it when people don’t even bother to use minor conventions like periods and commas and reading their stuff becomes a nightmare. It’s elitist, I know, but really…. this is a written medium. If I get a headache from trying to make out your (mostly boring) thoughts, I will take your poor writing personally. And feel a bilious rage anytime I come across your writing –which I hope to be able to avoid like the plague.
3. Sometimes I truly love living here in Hawaii. Just to give you a glimpse, here is why:
….and sometimes I hate it. Like when people stop before merging into the highway and when it’s 86 degrees before noon. And people who have to get into the Same. Damned. Accident. On. The. Same. Spot. Of. Highway. Several. Times. Every. Day. *breathing exercises*
4. Pizza sounds really good, but it’s fattening. That makes me go “Rrrrr.”
5. People who show no manners during yoga class. I realize this is an old rant but every time I see someone talking on the phone or coming in late I feel my blood boil.
6. Finally, and I realize that I did not feel very strongly about this one before becoming pregnant…. I absolutely despise husbands, boyfriends, fiancés or partners who are not supportive of their significant other’s pregnancy. You have NO IDEA how much that makes me want to lash out and go all Michael Douglas in Falling Down on people’s asses. Seriously. This is nothing new under the sun, I know. Some men feel the angst and anxiety of impending fatherhood and a change of life and suddenly go postal. But do they talk about their feelings? No. Do they reach out for help? Of course not; they’re men. Do they even come out and say they are scared shitless of being parents and waking up to a life full of poo-laden diapers and spit-up? Uh-uh. They’re men, remember? So what do they do? They take it out on the person who’s already having to deal with a changing body image, sometimes nausea, mood swings, swelling, and all sorts of fun things. They make her feel ugly and unwanted or they plain ol’ LEAVE HER! Arrrgh! How can you be such an asshole? How can you be so irresponsible? RRrrrRrRrrRrrrrrrRrrr!