I grew up in California, a child of the 80s and 90s.

This has had an irritating side effect in my speech patterns: I "like" quite a bit.

Like, on occasion I have started my sentences with "like."  And, like, stuff.

But, I've been, like, schooled.

________

Let's get a ground rule in first, shall we?

If we're all sitting at a restaurant, not only are we going to try to show a modicum of good manners (no chomping open-mouthedly, no burping, no farting), but we're also going to try to be aware of our surroundings.  This means that if the baby starts to wail loudly, I'm going to be removing myself and the child with the golden lungs so you can enjoy your steak tartare or whatnot.  I will not run away if he's just fussing or if he's whimpering; but if he's about to let 'er rip, I'm gone and that is a promise.

This also means that if you've convoked some sort of emergency meeting at the booth next to where I'm sitting and you're shout-talking to the people with you all about your your sort-of boyfriend, who,

Apparently reads all the text messages you send him during the day –and yes, you know this because you asked him if he, in fact, read them all, and lo! He does!  But he just, like, reads them?  And, he doesn't, like, answer them?

And you, like, asked him?  "Like, do you read them?" and he, like, mumbled something about, yes, like, "yeah, I read them."

But, like, that was it, right?  Like, he said he read them, but, like, that's, like, all he said.  And, like, he never really writes back, you know?  Like, not even something to tell me he, like, got them?

And so?  You don't, like, know what to do?  Because you're, like, going to weddings together?  And, like, you're not sure? Like, because, he's really nice and, like, sweet?  But he's not, like, texting you, you know, back?

And, like, he's not sure he wants to date, date?  But, like, he reads the texts!  He totally knows, like, what you wrote!  And he, like, remembers what you wrote!  Like, all of it!  But, like, he's just not sure about needing space, or not, like, needing space?  You know?

And so on,

you should look into some sort of speech therapy.  Or perhaps you should just be fitted with a muzzle when out in public.  I've seen Gallaudet students communicate via SideKick with people who do not understand sign language, actually; I think that's a good and silent solution.

Because, like, that was ridiculous.  Between your over-liking every single sentence to death and your unfortunate tone of voice, you raised the dining room's noise level by at least ten decibels.

And even though you didn't ask me, although it completely felt like I should have said this to your face, you should just leave that guy alone. 

DUMP HIM.

(Duh)

22 Oct This entry was published on October 22, 2009 at 11:10 pm and is filed under DC Dukkha, Zen Sarcasm. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.