A Loaded Snack


Olive Boat, originally uploaded by Madame Meow.

One of my more ridiculous inner struggles is the one I have with the person I am and the person I wish I were.

__________

Everyone has an inner view of him or herself as either a debonnair, charming, swashbuckling or eloquent individual– a persona they wish they were, but probably are not. Perhaps your inner view of yourself happens to be that of a ninja, channeling inner strength, invisibility and stealth from where there is none.

Maybe your inner vision involves thinking of your life as an endless sequence of cool in a bank heist movie. Or you imagine inaudible applause following you wherever you go, as a silly ruse to get your butt out of bed in the morning.

Perhaps you automatically narrate your day-to-day as if it were an exciting race, dreaming of leading a fast and perilous life.

Or maybe you dream of being the belle of the ball, even as your 6'2", 280 lb frame proves to be a bit of a deterrent to finding the perfect gown.

We all have those little bits of fancy, and they don't always fit with who we are. And sometimes we personally wish we were more the life of the party or the busy, organized planner, rushing through the day being saved by the smartphone and the personal assistant.  And by "we", I mean me, of course.

And sometimes we realize that we also inhabit the body of others' inner visions of themselves.

That while we sit there, moping and changing diapers and eating and taking pictures of olives because there is no way in hell most parties are a good enough excuse to get out of the house and find a sitter and etc., there is someone who would trade their busy, fabulous life for an opportunity to sit back and read and eat and live a very, very indoorsy kind of life.

So here I freely admit that yes, I am rather a bore.

I snack a lot. I would rather stay at home. And when I go out, I like it to be a quiet affair. And most of the time I'm okay with this life and these activities (because to me, few things are as enjoyable, deep deep inside).

But then there is the hankering to think I'd have a better time if I were eating these olives at a great party with loads of friends and acquaintances and if I were staying out late and taking advantage of the babysitting opportunities that come my way.

I waver.

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This entry was published on March 30, 2009 at 12:31 pm and is filed under Inner Lotus Blooms. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

5 thoughts on “A Loaded Snack

  1. I have the same boat, although it never looked that good. :o)
    You don’t need to leave the house – and neither do I. God bless the Internets.

  2. And I have the same thoughts, although I never make them sound so good.
    I’ve never met you but I really like the person you are! True Story!
    (Melissa)

  3. You know something? I have a life that others would kill for. People would enthusiastically do my job for half the money. People think that my life is exciting (it can be, but v. rarely).
    Sometimes I wish I was a high school teacher.

  4. Always interesting to consider an alternate reality. Also interesting to remote yourself a tad from your scenario and, like the person above me here notes, realize that to lots of people you live a pretty amazingly exciting life. And that? That I can live with.

  5. I have a pretty interesting life…on paper. I am a whitewater raft guide, I’ve worked multiple seasons in Yellowstone National Park and Death Valley, CA. I’ve been to Africa and hiked numerous peaks out west.
    What people never think about are the numerous serving jobs, months at a time of eating ramen, looking at pictures from 5 years ago and seeing the same outfits because you can only afford about one new shirt every six months. It’s exciting and never dull, but glamorous it is not.
    So what is it that I dream of? Being able to have a cocktail at 5 o’clock. Simple as that.
    It’s easy for people to say that they are jealous of some of my jobs, but as you’re sitting in that raft thinking how carefree my life must be, remember that sometimes we get jealous too.

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