Holy Is The Gardener Who Wrestles These

Aphids.  Are.  Gross.

________

I was having a chat with The Deity Above (Or All-Around Or Wherever It Is That Deities Kinda Hang Out) earlier about aphids and specifically how gross and annoying and noxious they are.

Let me back up.

Yes, I talk to myself a lot.  Sometimes I even talk to myself in what I like to call the Musical Theater voice — that deeply affected, shrill and overly proper voice that plagues musical theater’s finest when they are about to launch into a very cheesy song, possibly about love. 

Anyway, since I come from a Judeo-Christian theology background, I prefer to think I’m talking to The Almighty, a.k.a. He Who Has Nothing Better To Do Than To Hang Back And Watch Me Cut Back The Pansies.

*takes a deep "explanation’s over" breath*

Where was I?

Oh yes.  I was telling you that I think it is somewhat fair to come to the conclusion that it’s okay to dislike intensely, nay HATE aphids.

And why is it okay to have such violent feelings toward the little twerps, you might ask?

Well, besides the obvious revulsion I’ve just experienced by having my hands coated with the nasty little sacs of fluid whilst pruning said pansies, there are very specific reasons for my dislike.   For starters, those who’ve never had the pleasure to lay their gaze upon one of these beasts, here’s a mug shot for you:

Aphid
LOOK AT THAT NASTY, CREEPY THING!

So that’s number one, right?  Allow me to go on:

1. Look right and barf.

2. They are weird and freaky and TINY  (the biggest are about 1 cm long, but most hover around the 1/16 inch mark).  Tiny = millions in your garden at some point in time.

3. They OOZE something we’ll call "honeydew", which is the only partially useful thing about them, at least for some type of ants who keep them around to "milk" them.  Yes.  Milk those nasty oozy fat aphids, opportunistic little ants.

4. They do this weird parthenogenetic thing where they can sort of make meiotic clones of themselves (<—gross oversimplification that may have elements of wrong in it).  This is why you have to go Rambo on their asses any time you discover them, repulsive little beasts that they are: just one can take over a garden.

5. THEY EAT ROSEBUDS AND PANSY BUDS AND TOMATO BUDS AND EVERYTHING BUDS AND DISFIGURE BLOOMS!  RAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

So since all they do is be tiny and eat all day and eat so much that they OOZE FOOD and they freakishly divide over and over again so as to fully take over your garden, I hereby declare aphids EVIL, gross pests that suck and ….

… well, maybe hate is too strong a word.  I mean, they can’t help being weird little agents of destruction and which are really good for nothing except for providing some sort of weird ant supplement, you know?

_________

Ugh.  I hate it when I let my love-all-creatures self talk.

_________

I do hereby declare an aphid jihad in my garden.  And those little green infidels are going down.

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This entry was published on February 26, 2008 at 4:23 pm and is filed under Gardening. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

6 thoughts on “Holy Is The Gardener Who Wrestles These

  1. oh my lord. i’m so glad i didn’t read this post while eating. that close-up of the aphid is so gross!

  2. Don’t forget that these little sacs of wonder-food are also commonly called “plant lice.” Yeeeech.

  3. UGH! I sooo agree with you on this… and the close up is more MORE information than I needed.. how disgusting!!

  4. You. Crack. Me. Up.
    ROFL!!!!!!!
    In fact, I almost spewed my coffee out my nose at that last line: ‘..those little green infidels are going down.’
    Oh, you are SO good for my soul.
    Not to belittle (no pun intended) your plight in any way. I wish you victory over the little agents of destruction…and please DO keep us posted!

  5. P.S. Please – really do let us know your methods of attack. If I ever make it out of my house this year, I may find myself in need of such information.

  6. You going to get some ladybugs? I hear that they are mighty warriors in the battle against the little green infidels. (Of course, I also hear that if you get a bunch of them, they might just fly off to someone else’s garden.)

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