Damn you, Justin Timberlake. Damn you and your kind of irritating, yet alluring looks and your catchy-ass damned catchy songs all to hell.

Specifically, damn you for ever releasing “SexyBack.” The video is annoying; the girl has large boobies; the plot is flimsy and confusing; and DAMN YOU! THE SONG IS CATCHY!

But I guess that by now you’ve shown us that you were the more stable and better-tasted half of your epic couple with La Spears. Because while I have you in my crosshairs, I shan’t let you forget that you ever stepped out your door looking like this:

Yikes. I’d forgotten just how bad that look was on you. No wonder the other day you said you used to look like a broccoli floret or something equally wholesome, afro-shaped, and unabashedly unsexy.

However, I honestly have a problem thinking that you, singlehandedly, are going to “bring sexy back.” Did sexy ever really go away? Or is it coming back just because you say you’re bringing it back? Is sexy a girl or something? (Should I then capitalize Sexy?) What makes you think you’re cool enough to bring it/her back anyway? Do you think sexy responds to just you? Are you like the Messiah of sexy or something?

And let’s face it, calling those guys –those poor hapless guys you sing about, already saddened that they do not get to be the ones to bring sexy back– those sad, sad boys, “those motherfuckers,” well… it’s a bit mean, don’t you think? Do you really think that is necessary to be cocky AND rude?

Just because you’re dating someone who’s eight years your senior, that does not, in fact make you something special; a woman who, let us be honest here, is starting to show age before her time –because that is not a 33-year old skin tone on her 33-year old sexy body anymore thanks to all that sun, and you just gotta admit it– that does not make you the sexy master.

Or the foot fucking master, for that matter.

Or anything other than a 25-year old guy with a lucky streak. A 25-year old who happens to be a sexy guy, despite being somewhat annoying. Annoying and squeaky-voiced as well; the squeakiness that plagues you to this day and which never fully left your side on that magical day where puberty left is another trait that ought to be remembered in this moment of humiliation for yours truly.

So shut up and stop making catchy songs, because the aging hipster part of my personality cannot take it anymore.

22 Aug This entry was published on August 22, 2006 at 3:34 pm and is filed under Soapboxing. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.